Reducing Power Struggles: Simple Communication Strategies That Help Kids Listen (Without the Battles)
Every parent has been there—your child refuses to get dressed… won’t clean their room… ignores a direction… or melts down when you say “no.” Power struggles happen in every home, but they don’t have to take over your day.
In my therapy sessions, I coach parents in using small communication shifts that dramatically reduce frustration and increase cooperation. These strategies help children feel more in control, more confident, and more connected—while still honoring boundaries and expectations.
Here are the tools I teach families all the time.
1. Pick Your Battles (What Can Your Child Choose vs. What Do You Choose?)
Kids thrive when they feel a sense of control, and power struggles often happen when a child feels like everything is being decided for them.
The trick is knowing which decisions are safe to hand over and which ones you need to keep.
Ask yourself:
“Does this choice affect safety?”
“Does this impact our schedule?”
“Is this something I truly care about, or something I can let go?”
Examples of choices kids CAN make:
Which color cup to use
What shirt to wear (within weather-appropriate options)
Which book to read
What toy to bring in the car
Things parents typically need to choose:
Bedtime
Safety-related behaviors (seatbelts, crossing the street, using scissors, etc.)
School routines
Medication or health-related decisions
When you’re clear about what you choose and what they can choose, expectations feel calmer—and kids feel respected rather than controlled.
2. Save “No” for True Absolutes
If kids hear “no” all day long, it loses its meaning—and their frustration grows quickly.
A great communication trick?
Reserve “no” for true non-negotiables: safety, disrespect, aggression, or major boundary crossers.
For everything else, try:
“Not right now, but you can ____ later.”
“That’s not an option, but you can choose between A and B.”
“We’re all done with that. Want help picking something new?”
“Let’s try something different.”
This keeps “no” powerful when you really need it.
3. Use Directives, Not Questions (When You Actually Mean a Direction)
Parents often phrase directions like questions without realizing it:
❌ “Can you put your seatbelt on?”
❌ “Do you want to clean up?”
❌ “Are you ready to brush your teeth?”
To a child, these all sound optional—even if you didn’t mean them that way.
Kids respond better when we are clear and confident:
✅ “It’s time to buckle up.”
✅ “Please put your toys in the bin.”
✅ “Let’s go brush teeth.”
You’re not being harsh—you’re being clear, and that reduces confusion, frustration, and the chance for a power struggle.
4. Offer Choices to Build Cooperation
Choices are powerful because they let your child feel in control within the boundary you’ve set. You’re still leading, but they get a voice in the process.
Examples:
“Do you want to clean your room by starting with the books or the laundry?”
“Do you want to walk to the car or skip to the car?”
“It’s time for shoes. Red shoes or blue shoes?”
“We’re leaving the park in 5 minutes. Do you want to take one last swing or go down the slide one more time?”
When children feel like they helped decide how something happens, they’re more willing to follow through.
5. Chunk Multi-Step Directions (Break Them Into Smaller Pieces)
Many power struggles happen simply because the child is overwhelmed—not because they’re refusing.
Instead of giving a long chain of directions:
❌ “Go upstairs, put on your pajamas, brush your teeth, and bring down your laundry.”
Try breaking it into bite-sized steps:
1️⃣ “Go upstairs and put on your pajamas.”
➡️ Wait for completion.
2️⃣ “Great! Now brush your teeth.”
➡️ And so on.
If your child struggles with working memory or processing, they may want to follow directions but don’t know where to start. Chunking creates success, not stress.
Putting It All Together: A Real-Life Example
Your child is refusing to clean their room. This could go one of two ways…
Option A – The Power Struggle Loop
❌ “Clean your room now.”
❌ “I said now.”
❌ “If you don’t clean it right now…”
→ Everyone ends up upset.
Option B – The Communication Strategy Approach
⭐ Parent chooses the boundary: “We’re cleaning your room before dinner.”
⭐ Parent gives choices within the boundary:
“Do you want to start with your books or laundry?”
⭐ Parent chunks the steps:
“Great! First books. Then we’ll do laundry.”
⭐ Parent uses positive language instead of “no”:
“We’re all done playing until your room is clean. You can choose which part to do first.”
This approach meets the child’s need for control and the parent’s need for structure—without a battle.
Why These Strategies Work
These tools support:
emotional regulation
independence
language development
receptive language skills
executive functioning
confidence
cooperation
connection
When communication is clearer, calmer, and more predictable, the need for power struggles decreases dramatically.